Sherwood Forest Faire

I don't know about Renaissance festivals.  People say they're fun, but people also like crowded parties, "trivia night," beer pong, football games, loud clubs, action movies, vandalism, driving cars, owning fifty pairs of shoes, and mini-golf.  I'm just not people.  How much fun can it really be to go to a gathering of - I don't know - all those theatre kids that weren't actually talented?  Am I just extrapolating too much from the billboards?

I know I'm making a ton of friends in this post so far, so I'll just move right along.  Needless to say, I had never been to something like this.  George has wanted to go for the past few years, and luckily for me, he's not very good at planning.  All I have to do is not plan it, and poof - it doesn't happen.  This year was different though.  This year for Christmas, my family bought George an opportunity to go skydiving.  Long story short, the whole thing was a disaster, and we ended up taking a road trip just to be cancelled on.  It was a big waste of time, and heartbreaking as well.  George had really prepared himself to jump out of a plane.  On our way home, he saw a billboard for none other than the Sherwood Forest Faire.  He expressed an interest like he always does, and something strange came over me.  I was just so sad for him.  This had to happen.  As soon as we got home, I asked my family about getting a refund for the skydiving and putting all the money towards this thing.  The vote was unanimous, and George got his new and improved Christmas present two weeks ago.

Today was that day, and it was 38 degrees outside.  When it's 55 degrees, you think, "Walking will keep us warm."  When it's 45 degrees, you think, "Walking, hot beverages, and fires will make this just fine."  When it's 38 degrees, you think, "No amount of layering is going to fix this, and we're not going."  But this was George's special day, and I couldn't possibly take it away from him.  As soon as we were on the road, we had to find a detour because the major highway was closed due to ice.  We arrived at 10:00, and by 10:05, I was ready to leave.  The merchants were cold and bored, and because nobody else showed up, they were especially pushy.  Or maybe they're just always that pushy but nobody minds because "it's so fun."  Also, because it is 1194 AD, and maybe everybody in 1194 AD was an asshole who demoralized women for having sex, guess what most of the jokes were like?  So anyway, we get there, and everyone is saying, "Good Morrow, My Lord!," with a fake guffaw, and then a crowd of theatre kids, who are like 50 years old now, guffaw in agreement as if some terrific joke has just been made.  I was right on the money about those damned billboards.

So George is having the time of his life.  It's adorable.  And if that isn't enough to melt my heart, Drakeson was right there with him because there were horses.  We started the morning by watching a play in which the cast outnumbered the audience by a factor of three.  The only part of this that maintained my interest was my own curiosity concerning the price of Robin Hood's well oiled leather hat, but sitting next to my guys was actually so much warmer than standing up, I was happy enough to wait through the whole thing.  As we made our way to the next destination, a merchant got so aggressive with me that I had no choice but to mildly insult his craft.  So then he said, "You know, I'm just kidding with you."  "You know, I'm just responding."  "Don't ever forget that I love you."  "Okay.  I won't forget."  Weirdo.  Anyway, in an effort to kill time before the puppet show, Drakeson and I rode the carousel.  Nobody else was on it, because why would you ride a carousel when it's 38 degrees outside?  Why wouldn't you, say, be at home instead?  Drakeson was shivering, but you can't tell from the pictures because he was so happy.

 Sir Drakeson

And his Dragon Socks

We still had time before the puppet show, so we caught a camel ride.  It's a good thing babies start off with rubber bands in their joints, because he pretty much had to do the splits to ride in "the preferred method."  Again, both my guys were ecstatic.  It was 11:20.

 Theatre Kid and Camels

It was time for the puppet show.  We went to the puppet cart, and just like the carousel and the camel ride, nobody was there.  Two dorks came out and asked the three of us to yell and cheer to try to help them gather a crowd.  Even though this is not my preferred type of activity, I played along, because I do have my limits to social awkwardness.  Had there been six or more people present, I'd be out.  Playing along wasn't actually that bad, though.  It might even have felt kind of good to be nice to those dorks, I don't know.  I do know I'm glad I'll never see them again.  They gave us an option of "The Tortoise and the Hare" and "The Cricket and the Mouse."  After trying to sway us to choose "The Tortoise and the Hare," Drakeson clearly chose "The Cricket and the Mouse," which made me very happy.  After all, it is impolite to offer choices and then take them back.  Then after the mouse had been collecting seeds all winter and the cricket had been frivolously singing a terrible song instead of behaving responsibly, the mouse asked the audience whether or not we should save the cricket.  Drakeson emphatically decided that the cricket should die, which again, made me very happy.  I have no excuse this time for my happiness.
Now we just had to make it to the jousting tournament and we could go home.  Because the tournament didn't start for some time, we fed goats at the King's Petting Zoo.

And went on the pony ride.

And got a bratwurst with sauerkraut and a turkey leg.  We were so hungry, and the food was great.  Once again, I was at the Sherwood Forest Faire enjoying the hell out of my day.  Fancy that.  At last, it was time for the jousting, and we were ready.  Nobody else was there, though, and we probably would have sat in the cold looking at nothing, were it not for a really nice theatre kid who explained that we had misread the schedule.  The next jousting tournament was in 75 minutes, and even though I was shivering enough to cry, I knew Drakeson wanted to see the horses.  Sigh.  Next, we watched an escape artist who was extremely entertaining.  Yes, his jokes were tasteless and racist and sexist, but one must recognize when jokes, even of this kind, are told well.  This was a theatre kid who made theatre kids look cool.  For the duration of this entire show, Drakeson was facing the opposite direction so he could stare at the horses.  Of course our next activity was riding a warhorse, which was awesome, because it used up an extra 1.2 minutes.

Robin Hood and Sir Drakeson: Happy on the Inside

Jousting started at 2:00, and it was 1:25.  (I can do this.)  We walked all over the place, ate spinach pie, ordered an apple crepe, and spent plenty of time by the fire.  Here are some pictures of a fountain we ran into.  Notice how nobody else is anywhere to be found?

Blue Water Dragon

I love them.

I wanted to watch 5 minutes of jousting and go home.  No sooner had we gotten in our seats, when a fat lady with giant breasts smashed out of her corset came over to give Drakeson a flag to wave.  She, herself, wore a flag that said, "pussy."  I didn't get what that was about, but she gave my son a flag, so I liked her.  George put his arm around me, which probably saved my life.  Maybe I could make it 10 minutes.  Then the jousting started, and it was really dangerous.  Maybe I could watch 15 minutes.  Then the big gay jouster was awesome, and there was no way I was not seeing this thing through.  I loved the big gay jouster so much, that completely out of character, I cheered for him.  He totally killed it, and I was ecstatic.  Drakeson couldn't have had a more exciting day from seeing all the animals.  I have no idea why George was so happy, but he was.  What a fantastic time.