09 October 2020

Royal Icing

I've always dragged my feet on learning anything about royal icing because it doesn't taste good.  In fact, that's still where I am with fondant.  But last year when Drakeson asked for sugar cookies on his birthday, I thought I'd take the plunge, bury my head into it, and become moderately proficient.  I spent the money, did the research, and practiced a few times, all while my dreams of moderate proficiency slipped far, far away.  Instead, I figured out how wrong royal icing can go.
Now Milli's birthday is coming up, and she wants sugar cookies.  This time, I've wisened up.  This time, I'm being meticulous.  Gone are the days when I thought I'd make some cookies and icing and somehow get by respectably.  Now I know better.
This is my first plan.  This post is a tutorial on how to create two dozen similar four by four inch Ann Clark pumpkin cookie cutter sharp-edged lavender sugar cookies with an original design in lemon royal icing.  Hopefully I will never write a post anything like this again.  I expect my second plan will happen naturally, sort of like what I assume happens during most people's first plans.

Some Common Sense I'm Missing:
Allow several hours for cookie decorating and crusting.
Scoop (don't pour) powdered sugar to avoid getting it everywhere.
Silicone bottle screw pieces must be clean, dry, and perfectly secure before using.

Decorating:
Common tools are piping bags, parchment cones, and plastic or silicone bottles.
Decorating can be done with no tips, plastic tips, or metal tips.
If using no tips and plastic bags, cut opening across the seam to lessen a seam point.
For tips sized 0 or 00, consider straining royal icing through fine mesh like unworn pantyhose.
For smooth outlining, tip should be lifted off cookie, touching down only to start or break flow.
For flooding, tip should be touching cookie and various pressures can be used.
Flooding icing still requires careful piping and spreading with a toothpick or scribe tool.
Thicker icing needs to be piped more slowly so it doesn't break.

Colors:
Never use watery food coloring, only gel food coloring.
The three biggest brands are Chefmaster, Americolor, and Wilton.
For an extra crisp white, add white coloring gel.
White royal icing will be off-white the next day as air bubbles escape.
All royal icing darkens over time.
Mix colors into thicker icing before thinning for even color distribution.
Dull icing is a result of over-mixing the original batch.
Red and black stain easily and have the most trouble mixing and drying properly.
Red and black also sometimes smell like permanent markers and taste bad.
Red and black need to be made ahead of time to darken for at least a day.
"Super red" and "super black" colors are sold to aid with saturation.
If making black, it is helpful to start with leftover dyed icing instead of white.
It is also possible to add cocoa or charcoal powder to help darken black icing.

Ingredients:
Pasteurized egg whites or meringue powder both work.
For each two pound bag of sugar, use five whites and a half teaspoon of cream of tartar.
Alternatively, this is ten teaspoons of meringue powder hydrated with ten tablespoons of water.
Water can be replaced with any liquid that is fat free and acidic like coffee, tea, or juices.
One full bag of powdered sugar makes about six cups of royal icing.
Extracts must be oil free, which is harder than it sounds.
Cream of tartar and/or lemon juice can keep icing from becoming grainy.
Glycerin prevents the icing from drying very hard.

Drying:
Allow eight hours of drying time.
The faster the icing dries, the smoother the surface.
Avoid drying on stacked cooling racks and allow cookies plenty of breathing room.
For the shiniest finish, dry cookies in front of a fan for the first hour or use a dehydrator.
Dehydrators can also help to set layers quickly in multi-layer designs.
Dehydrators should be at 95 (and no more 105).
Most layers require about fifteen minutes, and flood layers can require up to twenty.
Quick setting with a dehydrator maintains royal icing shape and keeps puffy icing puffier.
With a dehydrator, large, under-baked, or high-moisture cookies can ripple or crack more easily.
After dehydrating to set the crust, it's still necessary to fully air dry for the 8 or so hours.

Storing:
Store covered at room temperature for up to ten days.
Separation of water and icing is normal - just stir well.
Always double check consistency; as air escapes, icing can thin.
If freezing for up to three months, cover with plastic wrap on all sides.

Thinning:
Making royal icing is easy; thinning it out is not.
Some people use spray bottles, which emit 1/40 to 1/8 of a teaspoon at a time.
If icing has gotten too thin, add more stiff icing.
It is also possible to thicken with sifted powdered sugar if in a pinch.
All royal icing gets looser over time as air bubbles escape.

Consistencies are everything.  Thicker icing is better for maintaining shape and drying quickly, and thinner icing is better for drying flat and creating flush "wet on wet" designs.  Royal icing consistency is described by the number of seconds it takes the icing to smooth over after a disruption.  Normally, a cut is made with a spatula or a knife across the surface of the icing in order to time its disappearance.  As a thinner icing smooths over more quickly, it follows that thin icings have smaller numbers and vice versa.  The most popular numbers used to describe royal icing consistency are 5, 10, 15, 20, and 25, but 4, 12, and 30 have a place in this discussion.  Any less than 4 seconds will not dry well and is considered unusable.
Cookie decorators say that "each decorator has their preferred consistencies," but I think there's a lot more to it than that.  In truth, they're all being very annoying.  Most obviously, they don't use timers and they count at different speeds.  If you're not already annoyed, some of them wait until the line completely disappears and some wait until the line mostly disappears.  If you're not annoyed by now, you have no place reading this blog.  Get out!
To add to the confusion, decorators that use very small piping tips require looser, flowier icings, and with the shorter height from those pipings, their designs will indeed spread less.  It's not like those decorators just prefer looser icing; their tools require it.   Anyway, I'm a novice, and my silicone bottle tips are pretty large (I'm guessing the equivalent of a Wilton #2 and a #4), so I'll need thicker icing than those kinds of cookie decorators.  My chart will include how many teaspoons of water per cup of stiff icing cookie legend Julia Usher uses, and for what purposes.

SecondsConsistencyJulia UsherDescription
Indefinite




Buttercream




0 t for 3D decorations




Straight from the mixer, stiff icing is used for 3D decorations like flowers and leaves, gingerbread cement, and stenciling.  It retains detail.
26 to 30





Peanut Butter





1/2 to 3/4 t for outlining
1/2 to 1 1/2 t for stenciling




Piping consistency settles, but the knife line may never completely dissolve.  When stirred, peaks form but fall quickly.  Piping consistency is used for writing, outlining, and stenciling.
21 to 25







Pudding







3/4 to 1 1/2 t for marbling







Medium-thick consistency is puffy.  It may be able to create adjacent shapes that don't flow into each other but still level their own surface areas.  Medium-thick consistency is used for raised 3D effects like eyes or outlining and flooding small areas.
15 to 20






Ketchup






1 1/2 to 2 1/2 t for top coating






Medium consistency is all the rage, particularly at 15 seconds.  This is the sweet spot where icing is most versatile because it can outline and flood.  Like medium-thick, it can be used for wet on wet effects like marbling.
7 to 14


Shampoo


2 to 3 t for flooding
2 to 3 t for bead work

Flooding consistency dries very flat and works well for dipping the entire cookie.
4 to 6

Honey


Thin consistency is best for painting cookies with a brush.

Now that that's out of the way, we shall begin our tutorial.
First, make one batch of sharp-edged sugar cookie dough.
To do this, you'll need to set out two sticks of butter to soften, and while you're at it, blend a tablespoon of culinary lavender with your eggs. It will be a frothy (and unsavory) mess, but it will settle down by the time your butter is soft.   Whenever it's ready, get that sticky dough in the fridge to firm up.

Next, make a double batch of royal icing.  This will yield six cups at about 200 g per cup, which is too much, but you need too much when you're following a plan.  This is a tutorial on how to make a matching set of two dozen cookies, not a tutorial on life without insurance.  You can always make more cookies later.
As soon as it's ready, set aside 700 g of stiff icing, and divide the remainder into five batches of 100 g each.  Store in glass containers with lids.

Once your dough has chilled, it's time to bake.  You will need your dough, a pumpkin cookie cutter, a rolling mat, extra flour, a rolling pin, two baking trays, three silpats, a large cutting board, a plate, and wire cooling racks.
This dough gets very soft at room temperature, so working quickly and using flour as needed, roll half the dough out to 4 mm or 1/6 inch.  You should be able to get 8 pumpkins from this.  Place 6 of them on a silpat-lined baking tray and the remaining 2 on a silpat-lined cutting board.  Chill both in the fridge and preheat the oven to 350.  Sprinkle the plate with flour, shape the leftover warm dough into a disc, and chill in the freezer.
(If this hasn't gone to plan, it's possible to roll the dough out and then freeze it.  Cutting the cookies and transferring them to the silpat has never been easier.)
Because these cookies are large, they'll need around 14 minutes of baking time.  Bake the first tray of 6 pumpkin cookies and let them rest for at least 5 minutes on the baking tray before transferring them to a cooling rack.
While the first tray is baking and cooling, remove the second half of the cookie dough from the fridge and create a second silpat-lined tray of 6 cookies with 2 more for the cutting board.  Gather the leftover dough and add it to the plate in the freezer.  Bake the second tray.
Once the first silpat-lined tray is free, place the cutting board cookies on this tray and chill.  Using the leftover dough and plenty of flour, create your final 8 cookies.  If you can create more, good on you.  There's that insurance we talked about.  Bake the third tray.
Your fourth batch, of course, uses the silpat from the cutting board and the second baking tray.
 With any leftover dough, roll into small spheres.  Press them into flattened cookies or shape them into little bowls filled with jelly.  These will probably be thicker than 4 mm, so give them a nice long bake.

While the cookies are cooling, color and thin your icing.
700 gmedium-thickorange2 bottles, tip sizes 2 & 4
100 gmedium-thickuncolored (white)1 piping bag, tip size 1
100 gpipingdark green1 bottle, tip size 2
100 gstiffdark green1 piping bag and leaf tip
100 gthinbright yellow1 bottle, tip size 4
100 gstiff (extra, just in case)uncolored (white)container with lid

At last, it's time to decorate.  You will need your icing, piping bottles and tips, a scribe tool, a paint brush, a leaf piping tip, a piping bag, two dozen cooled cookies, and a plan.  Here's the plan.

Perform each step to all 24 cookies before moving on to the next.
Your finished cookie will have the face from the middle diagram.
Step 1:  Pipe and brush a thick layer of yellow where the face will be.
Although this cookie cutter was designed to produce three or five sections, I think four works a little better with my design.  We'll label them 1, 2, 3, and 4 from left to right.  The middle diagram shows the face we'll be piping, and the diagram on the right shows the teeth and pupils filled in.
Step 2:  Pipe section 1, smooth with the scribe tool, and pipe in the white shine.
          Use the scribe tool to help shape and dot the bottom of the shine.
          Pipe section 3 from the middle diagram and smooth with the scribe tool.
Step 3:  Pipe sections 2 and 4 from the middle diagram and smooth with the scribe tool.
Step 4: Pipe pupils and teeth.  Use the scribe tool to help place small shines.
Step 5:  With your piping icing, make three green lines on the stem from the left diagram.
Step 6:  Fill in the remainder of the stem.
Step 7:  Switch the tip to size 3 and pipe vines.
Step 8:  With the piping bag, make small leaves along the vine to finish your cookies!
Smaller Simplified Practice Set
09 Oct 20

Update: By the time it was Milli's birthday, I had gotten distracted and made stenciled royal icing cookies and pumpkin profiteroles instead.

08 October 2020

Belinda the Chipmunk by Seymour Bernstein

 

My good friend, Jack Mills, brought me several large stacks of music a few weeks ago.  In one of the piles was "Belinda the Chipmunk" by Seymour Bernstein, copyrighted in 1986 and showcasing Belinda in the lower righthand corner of a retro faded coral cover.  It's not every day that I run into a chipmunk advertising a score, and the font was captivating, so I flipped it open to find a collection of a dozen short teaching pieces, black and white photography, and several paragraphs of narration. What could a chipmunk have done that was captivating enough to inspire this set?
But wait - I didn't want to know.
I called my brother-in-law and asked if he'd record the narration.  He agreed.  A few days later, I asked my sister if she'd edit the video together.  She was rightfully annoyed that Bill was already in on it, and neither of us had bothered telling her about it, but she agreed, too.
After playing through the pieces for a short time, I was charmed by the attention to detail, and the music struck me as both playful and sincere.  I never listened to any other performances and never read any of the narrations; I only played the music as it came naturally to me, and I did not learn of the beautiful friendship between Belinda and Seymour Bernstein until after Lien stitched it all together.  We hope you enjoy sweet Belinda.

22 September 2020

The Argument for Pumpkins & Pumpkin Pie Spice

"But I hate pumpkins," you say.
You very well might, but I'm not convinced yet.  Hear me out.

We'll begin by defining what a pumpkin is.  A pumpkin is not a Starbuck's pumpkin spice latte, which happens to cost a small fortune ($5.75).  Nor is it the pumpkin pie from your local grocer that's sold for a song ($4.10).  It's okay if you thought it was.  I'm willing to bet that most of the people on my side, wearing merchandise touting "pumpkin spice everything" and "you had me at pumpkin spice," made the same mistake.  They just happen to like those two things.
No, a pumpkin is a winter squash, and a squash is a fruit.  The type of fruit is a berry and the type of berry is a pepo, but I'm not a botanist so we'll stop that business right there.  In the US, our most common winter squashes are butternut squashes, acorn squashes, and spaghetti squashes.*  Chances are, if you don't hate those, you probably don't hate pumpkins.
Summer squashes are sold year round, and winter squashes are sold from late summer through the winter.  You see, these pepos were named a long time ago, and vegetables that could keep until the winter without spoiling deserved special recognition.  Summer squashes mature more quickly than winter squashes, and the most common one here is the zucchini.  In New Zealand and Australia, all winter squashes are called pumpkins, so they roast butternut pumpkins and acorn pumpkins.  And if you think you like butternut pumpkins and acorn pumpkins, which have nothing to do with those dreadfully common pumpkin pies, you can probably guess what I'm about to say next.  Canned pumpkin purée, which is what's behind the vast majority of those pies, is made from a variety of winter squashes.  But this is not to say, "Oh no!  Libby has lied to us!"  If that's what you're thinking, pish posh.  Libby was just acting Australian.
Pie pumpkins, also called sugar pumpkins or sweet pumpkins, are the pumpkins normally used in cooking.  If there was one year that you never got around to carving your jack-o-lantern pumpkin, also known as a Connecticut field pumpkin, and you threw it into the oven, the result would have been edible, but your dinner would have been fairly watery, stringy, and flavorless.  And if you had judged all pumpkins on that experience, you might just need a few more data points.  Easily corrected.
Sometimes, people say that they hate pumpkins because the insides are slimy.  If you find yourself nodding in agreement, do you hate cantaloupe and honeydew for the same reason?  Or instead, do you willingly slice your tomatoes and spread raw slimy bits of fruit all over your BLTs without a second thought?  For what it's worth, nobody eats the slimy parts of the pumpkin.  Once a pumpkin is roasted, the stringy bits scoop away as easy as pie.  If you're grossed out by the sliminess in a pumpkin but don't go out of your way to pick the tomatoes off of your cheeseburgers, look straight through your excuses and peer deeply into your heart.

"But I hate pumpkin pie spice," you probably didn't say.  So let's talk about that, too.

Pumpkin pie spice is mostly cinnamon.  It's almost always a blend of five spices, which are cinnamon, ginger, nutmeg, allspice, and cloves.  Less frequent players borrowed from the mulling spice world are citrus rind, cardamom, and peppercorns.  If you put some variety of these spices together, you will not get a Starbucks pumpkin spice latte.  It's quite the reverse; Starbucks tried to imitate winter squash and these warming spices in a mass produced way, and they came up with something thick and orange.  It made money, so it's here for everybody that loves it and everybody that doesn't.  If you don't like pumpkin spice lattes and all the other pumpkin spiced shelf stable products on the supermarket shelves, this does not mean you don't like pumpkin pie spice.
While sugar can help to bring out many of these flavors, there's nothing about this blend that prevents it from being perfectly suitable for savory cooking.  Many Moroccan spice blends use several of these ingredients.
Cinnamon is from the inner bark of Cinnamomum trees.  There is one kind of tree, the Cinnamomum verum, which is sometimes considered to be the only source of true cinnamon, and I don't know if I've ever had it.  Am I making this up?  It certainly sounds like a children's story.
Ginger is a spicy root, and I think it's better when it's not dried.  If you can juice a piece or even boil some to make a ginger tea to replace the water in a recipe, you'll get a much punchier team player.
Nutmeg is a big seed that's ground into a powder.  It's nutty and woody.  Purists will insist on using only freshly ground nutmeg to eliminate cheaper additives, but if you only have so much time, I'd recommend spending it on the ginger.
Allspice is a dried unripened berry that's ground into a powder.  Each berry looks like a giant brown peppercorn.  They're named for their flavor, which resembles cinnamon, nutmeg, and cloves, and they are very charming.
Cloves are the flower buds from clove trees.  They're the strongest of the five; while ground cloves are on the pricy side, a little bit goes a long way.

I grew up wearing itchy lacy dresses to Easter services, which are held in the only hour of the year in which adults pretend they believe a man came back from the dead.  Add pollen and dreary rain to the mix with a mascot that's a giant rodent dressed in pastels whose claim to fame is the ability to madly reproduce, and it's no wonder I think spring is gross.  The real question is, why don't you?
The summer air is thick and heavy.  Smelling of rotting carcasses and mold, it is eager to engulf our lethargic sweaty bodies until we feel we're nearly decaying ourselves.  Each summer, as you make an effort to enjoy the great outdoors, you will inevitably be hit over the head by a sense of festering sewage.  Summer is a reminder that our beautiful blue marble is, in fact, made of excrement.
And then everything changes.
The leaves start to die.  Through their transformation, with their sacrifice, a magnificent array of colors explodes onto the trees and drifts down to carpet what's left of summer.  They perfume the air as it cools.  Marking a new academic year, the changing of seasons presents a new beginning and a fresh start.  The relief from the oppressive heat is a reminder to us all to wake up and enjoy the lives we've been given.  And right on cue, what arrives in every corner of our stores?  On your neighbor's doorsteps?  On every seasonal menu?  So vibrantly beautiful, so diverse, and even more charming than allspice, our wealth of hearty winter squashes are on display for all to see.  Surely, only something so undeniably un-hatable deserves all that attention.

If you've made it this far and you still hate pumpkins, I am sorry to have failed you.  But don't worry; they'll be moved aside to make way for your car's reindeer antlers in no time.**  If, however, you're willing to reconsider your stance, then let's celebrate together.  Move over, Easter.  It's time for the real candy.


* While "squash" is a perfectly acceptable plural form of the word, "squash," I shall continue writing "squashes" four times in one sentence when the opportunity presents itself.
**Although you are correct in assuming that I am making fun of you, I must confess to also own car reindeer antlers, and mine are sparkly.

10 September 2020

Rings II

 

In July of 2016, we were young and in love and bought wedding rings. Of course I lost mine right away. Here we are four years later, ordering from the same jeweler and messing everything up. I have recently learned a few things. First, thicker rings should be ordered in larger sizes, which makes sense. There's a tool to measure ring sizes, and it's called a mandrel, and that makes sense too. Different jewelers use differently sized mandrels, and that is downright preposterous. This is to say nothing of the fact that the UK, France, Germany, Japan, and Switzerland all have their own unique measurement systems.

But before I learned those things, we printed out some charts and made some measurements and ordered our rings and got it dead wrong. Kay Jewelers very kindly measured George at a 9.5 and me at a 5.25. Our jeweler only produces rings in half sizes, and due to our insecurities concerning the world of unstandardized mandrels, we resized our orders to a 5.5 and a 10.  It worked.  "But why would I care?" you may ask. You most certainly should not. But I will lose my ring again and wonder what sizes we are if I haven't given up on having a wedding ring, and then this information will be right here in my trusty memoirs.
Blue topaz (George December), peridot (Lan August), garnet (Drakeson January), and opal (Milli October) represent the four of us, and of course, L&G is still engraved inside. Let's see if I can make it another four years.

15 August 2020

Lego Grand Piano 21323

George bought me the Lego Grand Piano 21323 set for my birthday.  If you scroll down that link, you can see their promotional video.  This is a prettier commercial, and this is a short interview with the designer, Woon Tze Chee.

14 Aug 20

The manual is 564 pages.

There are 3,662 pieces.

Those pieces are divided into 21 sets of bags, which I brought to Sealy.
Assembly starts at dawn.

15 Aug 20

Bag 1: Partial Underside & Partial Rim

Bag 2: Crankshaft, Motion Sensor, Motor, Battery & Bluetooth

Bag 3: Damper Rail & Rods

Bag 4: Partial Soundboard

Bag 5: Completed Soundboard & Rim Tail

Bag 6: Partial Case Front & Partial Rim

Bag 7: Partial Case Front, Partial Rim, & Partial Cheeks

Bag 8: Completed Case Front

Bag 9: Completed Rim

Bag 10: Legs & Pedal Lyre

Bag 11: 7-Note Keyboard

Bag 12: 12-Note Keyboard & Action

Bag 12.1: Keybed, Keyframe, & Balance Pins

Bag 12.2: Close-up on those Adorable Yummy Hammers

Bag 13: 17-Note Keyboard & Action

Bag 14: 24-Note Keyboard & Action

Bag 15: Completed 25-Note Keyboard

Bag 16: Fallboard

Bag 17: Music Stand & Damper Heads

Bag 18: Partial Lid

Bag 19: Partial Lid

Bag 20: Completed Lid

Bag 21: Bench

With a Horse & Little Ones
Measures 8.5" by 12" by 13.5" When Closed

Final Thoughts:  What a beautiful model.  The Lego set does not produce sound, but rather runs the crankshaft which depresses sets of unrelated keys while your device plays selected recordings through an app.  I don't really see the difference between this and listening to any piano recording while the crankshaft runs, but I still love this set.  The highlights of this design include a vintage LEGO logo, rolling casters, an adjustable bench, a foldable music rack, a foldable lid that can be raised, a working damper pedal, a removable fallboard, and a removable action.  Each of the 25 keys has its own "string" and its own hammer.  The colors, down to the red and green felts and white hammers are reflected beautifully in the design.  It's also quite the build; if you were to connect 6 pieces per minute for 10 hours straight, you'd almost be done.  We'll do about a section a day starting every December 1st for the holiday season.  I think it's lovely.

Playday by Donny Chen, Lego Piano Ideas Proposal Author

Basic Disassembly

But that wasn't all the fun. Then it was time to organize the pieces. I bought six Sterilite 14028606 bins, which I love for so many reasons. They're semi transparent, stackable, and come with two different types of interchangeable removable trays.  I made a lengthy post on exactly how to organize all the pieces, but of course I redid the project later.  Click here to see the updated version from January of 2022.

22 July 2020

Disney World VII

Wednesday, 22 Jul 20:  The Contemporary Resort
Disney World opens in the midst of a pandemic, all while Florida documents more than 11,000 cases per day.  It has a dystopian ring to it, doesn't it?  Perhaps Pinocchio's Pleasure Island comes to mind.  Reflective of such a seemingly reasonable point of view, Trevor Noah says, "Why are you at Disney World, dumbass?"
Right, why.  Are we dumbasses?  Maybe, I don't know.  The other families on the plane, tugging on their masks and happily chomping down their Southwest snack mix bags in synchrony certainly seem to be.  No snack mix is that good.  And the family near Disney's Magical Express dressed in matching "BLESSED" shirts undoubtedly are.  So in the very least, we are clearly in the presence of dumbasses.
But are we flippant?  Absolutely not.  CONSTANT VIGILANCE!  (- Professor Moody)
We spent the last 7 hours with N95's firmly strapped to our heads with two elastic bands.  I'm not trying to convince you to book a flight to a coronavirus hotspot, but if you want to know how we came to such an unpopular decision, it's pretty straightforward.  How protective is proper mask wearing?  Well, it's protective enough to have kept George healthy up to this point in an environment where the coronavirus is literally aerosolized every day.  He respects the virus and he wears his mask.
But what if the virus permeates barriers that have been proven effective?  That seems like a valid concern.  But also, what if the physics behind the lifting of our 84,100 pound Boeing 737-700, not to mention the weight of its passengers and luggage, doesn't generate enough power to get us 35,000 feet in the air?  That seems like a valid concern, too.  We can't accurately access risks, so we rank them according to comfort.  We have become comfortable with the idea that airplanes work, even though it's not intuitive.  And we have not become comfortable with the idea that we can adequately protect ourselves against the virus because the devastation it has caused on unprotected victims, particularly in our dumbass country, is horrific.  Most people would agree that the US is leading the world in cases and deaths because we haven't been careful enough, but I would argue that as a whole, we haven't been careful at all.  On the contrary, Trump followers have been proudly spreading disease as a mark of loyalty to their master.
My sister says condoms don't work 100% of the time, and she's right.  If you chose abstinence as a method of preventing an unwanted pregnancy, I would applaud your success, but I also wouldn't judge you for using birth control.
I'd like to add two thoughts.  The first is that sometimes we have to make black and white decisions, and to do this, we look to the majority of our thoughts and feelings.  If instead, we waited for total conviction, we would never choose careers or spouses or start watching a new show on Netflix.  In other words, just because this was our decision, we do understand Trevor Noah.
The second thought is that the idea of rewards is personal.  People are going out to bars and restaurants without protection because it's comforting.  Potentially deadly, but comforting.  People are expanding their social bubbles, scheduling playdates, and creating homeschooling pods because human beings need social interaction.  People are going to gyms and parks and pools to get exercise, and I don't blame them.  Almost all of us go to the grocery store where idiots wander around protecting their neighbors only from the coronavirus spewing from their chins.  But on we all go because that's how we have learned to feed ourselves.  It's not that safe.
The shriek of joy at 5:00 am this morning when it was time to get dressed?  Expendable.  The excitement from my chatterboxes when the plane is taking off?  The dancing and skipping in hallways because Disney World is too good to be true?  The anticipation our family builds planning this trip all year long, finally coming together for a week of loving memories?  Sure.  Expendable.  Breaking the routine of screaming over bored kids and struggling to keep the damn house clean?  Returning to that same damn house with a new appreciation before settling down for a year of remote learning?  Having the space and time to connect with my spouse?  Totally expendable.  But particularly expendable to families without children.
I could tell a smoker that cigarettes are easy to give up because they smell bad, but come now.  That wouldn't be fair.
Bà & Ông's Chairs at MCO

Missing Orange and Yellow

Waterslide To Ourselves

The Wave

The Wave To Ourselves

L&G Disney Tradition

Happy Cuddles

Thursday, 23 Jul 20:  Hollywood Studios
For anybody who doesn't go to Disney World, we rode a lot of rides (now you can skip to the pictures).  For anybody who does, I have four words for you.  Unlimited tier one fastpasses.  So there were no actual fastpasses, but the current tier one rides at Hollywood Studios are Millennium Falcon: Smugglers Run, Mickey & Minnie's Runaway Railway, and Slinky Dog Dash.  We rode each of them twice.  Twice!  Both the Railway and Rise of the Resistance are brand new trackless rides - the first of their kind at Disney World.  Trackless rides are somewhat self-driving, stop themselves in the case of an emergency, and do not follow the preceding buggy.
Rise of the Resistance is only offered through a "virtual queue," and we barely got in.  There were three windows, each less than five seconds, to book a spot.  We failed the first two times and asked a cast member for help before our final try.  They recommended we get off the wifi, and George wandered around the park to find better reception.  We were placed into the backups (group 60) and called in at 19:00.  By the time all was said and done, the park was closed and it was 20:15.  The line moved quickly but it was quite the trek.  I would have loved to turn to my dad to ask him about the steps.  This would have devolved into a conversation about how it's important to earn a spot in the virtual queue for the opportunity to accumulate all of these steps, but I take comfort in the fact that we're predictable enough for me to make the dad jokes in my head.  The ride itself is a full 18 minutes long!  If you're a big Star Wars fan, it's "super awesome."  If you're a normal person, it's technologically impressive, a bit long-winded, and very dorky.  George got us out of some dork talk by engaging with a cast member about the "Lord Vader" on his shirt being a visionary.  Sometimes I'm thankful to have him by my side.
We rode everything.  Milli loved Alien Swirling Saucers and insisted we go twice.  This was the first year she earned a real score in Toy Story Mania, and the first time she was tall enough for Star Tours, which we rode three times.
We watched two shows.  The theaters that are open have every other row blocked off, groups of four seats together physically distanced by three unavailable seats, frequent disinfecting routines, and hand sanitizing stations everywhere.  Even taking those new restrictions into consideration, the theaters on average are less than a quarter "full."  In other words, about 71.4% (10/14) of the seats are unavailable, and of the 28.6% remaining, less than a quarter are occupied.  So theaters are operating at less than 8% capacity.  Wild.  The first show was the brand new Vacation Fun - An Original Animated Short with Mickey & Minnie, which goes along with the new trackless Mickey & Minnie's Runaway Railway I mentioned earlier, and the second was Muppet Vision 3D.
The kids had no choice; Milli was finally tall enough for Bà's favorite ride, The Twilight Zone Tower of Terror.  Both Drakeson and Milli were terrified before we even entered the line.  Afterwards, Milli was on a soap box with a lecture, and Drakeson was thoroughly traumatized.  I bought myself a Hollywood Tower Hotel hoodie to celebrate the moment and promptly dragged the nervous little guy onto the other ride he can't handle, Rock 'n' Roller Coaster Starring Aerosmith, while George and I took turns letting Milli watch Lightning McQueen's Racing Academy.  While we can be needlessly cruel to our children, we did promise each of them a dessert of their choosing.
Dinner at Mama Melrose's Ristorante Italiano was a welcome break, of course.  I won't go into as much detail as I did for yesterday's dinner, but we ordered fried calamari, the house-made meatball, chicken parm, polenta cake with sautéed veggies, shrimp campanelle in a four-cheese sauce, two wine flights, one tiramisu, and as promised, a plate of two cannolis.
It's a Brand New Day

All Masked Up

Half the Bus To Ourselves

Slinky Dog Dash

Milli Growing Up  (I'm on the right; George usually scores about 250K)

Millennium Falcon

Smugglers Run

The First of Many Dorky Star Wars Pictures

Second


Third

Fourth

Snugglers in Smugglers

Big Guy

Fifth

Stormtroopers Performing for Nobody

Star Tours

No Lines Behind Us

Mama & Babies

Ghost Town

Terrified of Rock 'n' Roller Coaster Starring Aerosmith with Mean, Mean Mama

Lightning McQueen To Ourselves

Beautiful Curls in the FL Humidity (One Ringlet!)

Waiting for Dadas to Join the Virtual Queue

Mama's New Hoodie ❤️

Slinky Dog Dash Again!

Family Favorite: Mickey & Minnie's Runaway Railway

Mama Melrose's To Ourselves

Snowman

Muppet Fountain

Rise of the Resistance

Map

Leutenant Bek

Stormtroopers

THIS AT-AT IS SO HUGE YOU CAN'T BELIEVE IT

Sixth


Hollywood

Friday, 24 Jul 20:  Epcot
Ah, Epcot.  I always love it.  We had the park to ourselves at a casual 11:00 am opening, so we rode Frozen Ever After four times.  You read that right.  Don't believe it?  Then we headed over to Soarin' and walked right on three times.  We came back to it later in the day for a fourth, and George and I were able to verify the countries of each spectacular scene.  Drakeson made George ride Mission: SPACE Orange as payback for the "Tower of Happiness" yesterday while Milli and I rode Mission: SPACE Green.  Drakeson was elated to see his dad so nervous and queasy.  We went on Living with the LandThe Seas with Nemo & FriendsSpaceship EarthGran Fiesta Tour Starring the Three Caballeros twice, and Journey Into Imagination with Figment three times.  Due to rumors of Figment being replaced by an Inside Out attraction, George bought Drakeson a Figment lovey that he slept with every night.  We watched Awesome Planet and the Disney & Pixar Short Film Festival, and, of course, spent some time with the fish at SeaBase.  We rode Test Track twice: once during the day and once in the dark in the evening breeze as the park closed.  It was picture perfect.
Biergarten is always a highlight, but we have never been more impressed with the food.  In fact, this was the first year Epcot's International Food and Wine Festival was early enough to coincide with our annual trip, but because we couldn't bear to spoil our appetites for Biergarten, we simply passed up plate after plate and drink after drink.  We saved it all for two German beer flights, a quartet of macaroni salad, cucumber salad, tomato onion salad, and potato salad, pretzel rolls, three types traditional sausages, a double serving of sauerkraut, roasted potatoes, rotisserie chicken, spaetzle, mac and cheese, green beans, meatballs, schnitzel, brownies, chocolate chip cookies, apple strudel with vanilla cream sauce, German chocolate cake, berry compote, and Bavarian cheesecake.  No regrets.
All Ready for Another Day

Did We Buy Epcot?

Yes.

World Showcase

Second in Line for Frozen

Dancing in the Frozen Line

Mama Loves Trolls

Little Ones Love Mama

Living With the Land

Nemo

SeaBase Never Gets Old

Yook!  Yook!

School of Fish

"Bruce is a Little Shy This Year"

Wait, George, are you sure we can even afford Epcot?

Spaceship Earth

No Spaceship Earth Ecards This Year

Test Track

Sorry, I Meant Test Track To Ourselves

Mission: SPACE

BIERGARTEN!!!

Performing at a Distance

Such a Beautiful Ghost Town

Yes, we had a car to ourselves.  But also, we had an entire row of cars to ourselves.

Disney & Pixar Short Film Festival

Test Track at Night

International Food & Wine Festival

Goodnight Epcot!

EPCOT

Saturday, 25 Jul 20:  Magic Kingdom
Oh, so this is where the dumbasses were hiding.  They arrived a few hours after the 8:00 opening, so we started the day off with two easy rounds of Seven Dwarfs Mine Train (this redeemed last year's failed rope drop attempt), Peter Pan's FlightSplash Mountain, and Big Thunder Mountain Railroad.  Milli is tall enough for everything in the park but Space Mountain, so we skipped that one this time around.  Once the dumbasses arrived, they made sure to hang their germy fat noses over the tops of their masks, and for a full hour or two between Pirates of the CaribbeanIt's a Small WorldThe Haunted Mansion, and Under the Sea - Journey of the Little Mermaid, I was actually glad my parents weren't here.  All of those rides had long pauses while waiting due to sanitizing procedures, but I was thankful.  After all, coronavirus was wafting out of dumbass noses left and right.  Disney cast members did remind their guests of indecent exposures, and by the time the afternoon rolled around, the noses and my anxiety surrounding them mostly disappeared.  (To be fair, George maintains that we were always at a safe distance.  But was it safe enough for them to avoid my dirty looks?)
Things were smooth sailing again, and we tackled The Many Adventures of Winnie the PoohAstro OrbiterTomorrowland Speedway, and two rounds each of The Barnstormer and Buzz Lightyear's Space Ranger Spin.  We enjoyed the 12-minute break of Mickey's Philharmagic before our enchanted dinner at Be Our Guest.  As soon as our waitress Kerry arrived, George ordered a Kronenbourg 1664 beer.  Struggling to read the menu quickly enough from my phone, I asked Kerry which beer had the strongest flavor.  Without hesitation, she recommended the Chimay Blue, a dark Belgian strong ale.  I agreed, and before I knew it, I had one of the most delicious beers in the world in front of me.  I had had a beer flight the night before, a wine flight the night before that, and our Lefthand milk stout upon arrival.  Chimay Blue had nothing on me.  When Kerry came back for our order, I thanked her for her fantastic recommendation.  George, meanwhile, was rightfully jealous and ordered his own Chimay Blue.  She brought one for each of us, mistaking my compliment as an order.  By the time my scallops arrived, it was all over.  Not only had Chimay Blue won the battle against Lan in one very unexpected swift blow, but with no self control whatsoever, I was staring down Chimay Two.  I walked out of the restaurant in a drunken stupor, leaving behind both our Disney bag and my dignity.
We rode two rides of Milli's choosing: Prince Charming Regal Carrousel and Under the Sea - Journey of the Little Mermaid, and two of Drakeson's: Tomorrowland Speedway and Buzz Lightyear's Space Ranger Spin.  Milli beat George fair and square, and that's no joke.  We bought her an Angel lovey, so now her Stitch will have another friend at his picnics.
The Happiest Place on Earth

Magic Kingdom To Ourselves!

If You Didn't Believe Me Before, You Should Believe Me Now

Makeover for the 50th Anniversary Next Year

Seven Dwarfs

Ghost Town

Frontierland

Big Enough for Rollercoasters

Goodbye Drakeson!

Posing with Gaston.  He is SO Dreamy.

Triton

The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh

Pumpkins

Astro Orbiter

Sanitizing

The Barnstormer

Be Our Guest

Grey Stuff

True Story

Tomorrowland Speedway

Closing Time

Goodnight, Magic Kingdom!

Goodnight, Monorail!

Walking Back while Dadas Gets Our Bag


Welcomed by Mickey


Magic Kingdom

Sunday, 26 Jul 20:  Animal Kingdom
The cast members at Animal Kingdom are the friendliest, and upon entry, we walked past rows of cheering staff enthusiastically welcoming us into the park.  Nobody else was around and all the attention was downright embarrassing!  My eyes may have been darting around in avoidance, but I have to admit there was a smile under my mask.
As unbelievable as every other park was, nothing tops the fact that Drakeson rode Avatar Flight of Passage no fewer than six times.  Milli rode Na'vi River Journey seven, and her favorite ride was DINOSAUR, which she rode five times.  We snuck in a few rounds of TriceraTop Spin, but she started insisting on the "scary dinosaur one" pretty quickly.  In fact, she wanted to go more than five times, but Drakeson was too dizzy after two rounds of Expedition Everest.  We were shocked that he wanted to ride that one at all, but I think he did it in honor of Bà.  During his second ride, Milli and I bought George an Expedition Everest t-shirt, so I got a hoodie with one of Bà's favorite rides, and George got a t-shirt with another.
We watched It's Tough to Be a Bug, rode Kali River Rapids and Kilimanjaro Safaris, and found the Komodo dragon in Maharajah Jungle Trek before dinner at Yak & Yeti.  Despite the fact that this was the least fancy dinner of the entire trip, the kids went crazy for it.  Drakeson ordered our appetizer, the ahi tuna nachos, and we split miso salmon, chicken tikka masala, coconut shrimp with plum barbecue sauce, and mango pie for dessert.  It was a beautiful ending to an unrepeatable day.
Day Four

Tree of Life

Animal Kingdom

The Bridge to Pandora - Empty!?

Pandora a Ghost Town?!?!

Drakeson's Photography

Mama's Photography

Flight of Passage!

Beautiful Curls in the FL Humidity (One Ringlet!)

Saddle-Billed Stork

Baobab

Zebra

Elephants & Sun Rays

Sable Antelope

Elephants & Baobab

Scimitar Oryx

Lion

White Rhinos & Bontebok

Another Two Inches

Flight of Passage Lab

Little Stitch in Pandora

Next to TriceraTop Spin

Dinoland

DINOSAUR

Mount Everest - Scared but Willing

It's Tough to Be a Bug

Expedition Everest

Komodo Dragon

Two Dragons & a Goat

Malayan Flying Fox

Asian Tiger


Animal Kingdom

Monday, 27 Jul 20:  Kidani Village
We slept in soundly, and for the first time ever, took our time packing up.  We headed to Disney Springs around 11:00 to explore The LEGO Store, Goofy's Candy Company, Disney's Days of Christmas, and the world's largest (50,000 square feet!!) World of Disney.  We really missed Bà and Ông, so we kept our eyes out for t-shirts they could wear next year.  It took a while, but we found the perfect pair!  They had a picture of a winking Mickey and read, "Together Again."  Once we were third in line at the check out, the Disney Springs computer systems had an error and shut down.  We waited long enough for the line behind us to grow backwards throughout the store.  Eventually, we returned the shirts and headed to the bus.
When we arrived at the Kidani Village, we were locked out of our room from the same computer systems malfunction.  George went to the front desk for help while the kids and I peeked out the windows at the wildlife preserve.  It wasn't long before we were on the other side of the big wooden door, facing a gorgeous 1,173 square foot, two bedroom deluxe villa with three units of connected balcony, a full kitchen, washer/dryer unit, and three full baths.  In no time, the kids were squirming in water jets and blanketed with bubbles in the master bath while George and I kicked up our feet and finished our pear-infused vodka before dinner.  Drakeson unexpectedly lost his seventh tooth and was over the moon.
George really wanted to buy those t-shirts.  He asked the cast members at the gift shop if we could order them through Disney Springs while I scoured the internet.  Neither of us was successful.
Dinner was downstairs at Sanaa, an incredible Indian-influenced African restaurant.  Our appetizer was traditional naan, garlic-ginger naan, spiced naan, onion kulcha, and paneer paratha with dipping sides of cucumber raita, roasted red pepper hummus, mango chutney, tomato date jam, tamarind chutney, coriander chutney, garlic pickle, red chile sambal, and spicy jalapeño-lime pickle.  Our entrees were Goan seafood curry with chickpea wat, butter chicken with cilantro-coconut vegetables, scented basmati rice, and African biryani with shrimp.  If Bà were here, we would definitely have added braised beef with aloo masala, but because we couldn't make up our minds on what not to try, our waiter choose for us.  A spicy poblano margarita with Patrón Silver, Ancho Reyes verde liqueur, and lime, and a watermelon margarita with Patrón Silver, watermelon, and lime were everything I had imagined, and we finished dinner with an African triple chocolate mousse.  I was in love with life.
Adjacent to the restaurant and half the rooms on property is a 21-acre wildlife preserve with four giraffes, four elands, seven zebras, three roan antelope, two addax, five wildebeests, seven impalas, eleven African crowned cranes, two marabou storks, and two ostriches.  I was so awestruck that I called Mom and Dad several times and interrupted their dinner out at Lake Anne's Kalypso's.
George really loves my parents.  I took the kids to play in the deserted corners of Samawati Springs Pool while son-in-law of the year embarked on a two hour journey by himself back to Disney Springs.  I kept a close watch on the kids, and we kept our distance from the main pool and its 128-foot waterslide.  Both Drakeson and Milli wanted to go, but I explained that I would have to wait at the bottom to catch Milli, and I couldn't send them into a line by themselves with no masks because my job was to protect them.  As we started walking back to the room, Drakeson said, "But you're a grown up and you know how to keep us safe.  And you could take us and go first."  That honestly hadn't occurred to me, and I had to admit he was right.  We turned around, walked back to the pool, and waited in line together with me riding first, Milli riding second, and Drakeson going last to keep a careful watch on his sister.  I had been outsmarted by my seven-year-old.
We came back to our mansion and hopped into another bubble bath.  After playing with the kids for a while, I told them it was time for me to look at pictures, and Milli said, "You can't go.  Vacation time is about spending time with your family."  And so it was.  I had now also been outsmarted by my four-year-old.
Riding to Disney Springs

Hulk

Star Destroyer

Cinderella

Milli says this is Bill Peet's Cyrus the Unsinkable Sea Serpent

Rey & BB-8

Maleficent

Cinderella

Carousel

Pooh

Made of Jelly Beans!

Christmas

Maybe Next Time

Stitch Spits Water!

The First of Three Bubble Baths

Sanaa

Appetizer

Beautiful Kidani

Next to Sanaa

Wildlife Preserve

Balconies surrounding Preserve

Lookout To Ourselves

A Closer Look

One More

One of the Samawati Springs Pool Playscapes

Water Cannons

Little Warm Tub

Just Mama, No Rules

128 Feet

Goodnight Kidani!


Kidani

Tuesday, 28 Jul 20:  Final Thoughts
This was a once-in-a-lifetime event.  I've always wanted to see the Animal Kingdom Lodge, and because it doesn't have a conference center, I wouldn't have been able to under normal circumstances.  The Animal Kingdom Lodge is divided into two villas, Jambo House and Kidani Village.  There is a half-mile path from one to the other.  The three restaurants on property, Jiko, Sanaa, and Boma, are all ranked in the top seven for Disney resort restaurants according to touringplans.com.  The theming and decorations are immersive, and both locations have savannas filled with beautiful animals.
Disney did everything in their power to protect everyone.  Each guest was required to pass a temperature screening (100.4°) before entering any of the parks or Disney Springs.  Hand sanitizing stations as well as portable hand washing stations were everywhere, and cast members were constantly sanitizing railings and rides.  Markings on the ground helped to make physical distancing easy to follow, and plexiglass and plastic barriers were installed in both rides and lines.  Check-ins and menus came as QR codes.  It took them three full hours to turn a room.
Part of the magic of Disney year after year is watching the kids grow up.  Drakeson was a little braver, and Milli was more of a team player and less of a baby than ever before.  At 42 inches tall, she's been on all but one or two rides per park.  Her preferences and opinions are articulated very clearly, and she's remains less fearful than her big brother.  The kids didn't need much help staying close to us or keeping their hats, magic bands, and masks firmly in place.  They followed the distancing guides on the grounds and sanitized their hands every time we did.  It was our first trip with absolutely no naps midday.  It was also the first year we let them pick out souvenirs or help us order dinner.  It's the only year we'll ever have so much space to ourselves and the ability to ride whatever we wanted.  Because there were no fastpass lines, we were able to tour some beautiful standby lines we had never seen, most notably, Seven Dwarfs, Splash Mountain, and Flight of Passage.  Every year our week here is a treasure, but the strongest memories are always the unique ones.  Not only did we have ample space to ourselves, but ending the trip in Kidani isn't a detail easily forgotten.  Some day we'll look back on this vacation as the year with masks and signs and plexiglass and temperature checks.  In a time where airports and gyms are terrifying and grocery stores are risky, I can't believe how well Disney World pulled it off.  You could certainly get sick there, but it wouldn't be their fault.
Kidani & Jambo House Savannas

One Last Look

Bye Bye Savannas!

Rainforest Cafe To Ourselves

Tree Frog

Tracy the Talking Tree

Mill-Mill & the Tree Frog

Fish

Until Next Year, When We'll Be

For Ông & BÃ